Cycling Phun Phake News: Armstrong ASTANAshes The World! (Wah Wah Wahhhhh)

25 September 2008
Cycling Phun Phake News Service

First off let me start by saying I kill me, Astana-shes... heh heh heh.

Amid massive applause when announcing he would be coming out of retirement, Lance Armstrong confirmed Wednesday that he would be joining Kazakhstan's Astana for his competitive comeback. When news of this broke Borat, who was in the audience for the event, was quoted as saying, “niiiice.”

Armstrong said in a New York press conference that he will be starting with the Tour Down Under in Australia, and that he WILL BE competing in the 2009 Tour de France, a race that he has won seven times. He also pointed out interest in the Giro d'Italia.

Apparently Don Catlin, the anti-doping scientist, will run an independent monitoring program that Armstrong said will prove that he is not doping during his comeback attempt. Catlin pointed out that while a lot of guys know how to get around doping, so does he.

When asked if he will win number eight, Armstrong pointed out that he is old. OK, in his words, "Honestly, I don't know. I've been off the bike three years. … I'll be nearly 38 years old. … So I honestly don't know. I will try to be as prepared as possible. I don't know that that equals victory. ... I have a fair bit of confidence, but I don't have that kind of confidence, yet."

Armstrong also pointed out that, while he cannot control what Contador does, he thinks that Alberto Contador should consider staying with Astana. To which Contador was heard saying while pretending to cough from the back, “Bull sh__.” Armstrong looked around and then continued that there is room enough on the team for himself, Alberto, Levi Leipheimer and the “Let Levi Ride campaign. He pointed out that Contador is crazy fast right now, and quite possibly faster than Lance is right now.

Armstrong pointed out that if Astana is not invited to the Tour there’s not much that he could do since it’s there event and they get to pick who they want in. After that he was caught mumbling something about dating girls about half his age and riding something different, whatever that means.

Michael Bloomberg joined Armstrong on stage saying that he expected another tour victory, quipping, "What's so hard? It's like riding a bicycle."

Armstrong said that he will ride the Tour Down Under, the Tour de France and the Leadville Trail 100 (he joked that Leadville organizers don't know yet, and asked that the press not tell them). Armstrong said he hadn't ruled out riding the Giro d'Italia, but did note that 2009 will be the 100th Giro and that Italy is a country where the Livestrong campaign could have a great effect, not to mention he "also like(s) Italian food."

Rumors also abound that he will compete in Cross Vegas, just ask Wah, and that he will participate in some cross events this fall, but nothing solid was said about this. Nor was there anything said about whether he would continue beyond 2009. Lance pointed out is is possible, but reminded everyone, once again, that he was old.



**Some excerpts from VeloNews were used in the creation of this article