Cycling Phun Phake News: Tour de France Doping Scandal Edition

14-July-2008
Paris, France
Cycling Phun News Service


The Tour de France is apparently in an atrocious downhill slide of sorts after the chaos that ensued this weekend. As you’ve probably heard already Liquigas rider Manuel Beltran was met by French police, or Le Police for our French readers. A Liquigas Cycling team spokesman released the following statement:

"Manuel Beltran has tested positive once already for EPO and will not continue in the Tour due to this testing, however the rest of the team will continue the race. If he tests positive again, we will ask him where he got the banned substance from, and if he won’t talk we will result to tactics up to, but not including, water boarding to find out the information we desire to find out."

While this news has come as a total shock slightly more shocking news this morning as Tour Director, Christian Prudhomme was seen being escorted from an all-you-can-eat crêpe bar at his French hotel just before the start of this mornings tenth stage. It is still unsure what will happen to the Tour after this unbelievable event, but throughout this amazing glitch this mornings stage has gone off as planned and seemingly without a hitch. A spokesman for the Tour has stated:

“Look, it’s really quite simple. OK, so it’s not really that simple. I mean, it all started with the Landis doping allegations, then one by one they started looking into peoples past. After that they started looking at riders close friends, the friends of close friends, some people who were acquaintances of riders, a few people who had similar names to riders, people who riders may have mentioned by name-whether first or last name, and… OK, I guess it got a bit out of control. But the bottom line is this. Now that Bayer Aspirin is the ONLY legally sanctioned drug by the Tour, there had to be some casualties… some consequences, or so they tell me. If it were up to me I would at least reinstitute the use of Aspercream. Wait, where exactly was I going with that?”

At that point the spokesman left the stage almost in tears.
Stay tuned to Cycling Phun. We will have more details of this as they become available.