17 October 2007

Ode to Fatty: Get Rid Of Fitness

I wanted to take a moment to pay homage to an article that was written by Elden “Fatty” Nelson. The article that I wrote about Tuesday, How To Get Rid Of Unwanted Fitness, made me think of another story recently in the news. I thought it was a great tie in, and felt that it could help those eager to get rid of that pesky fitness.
Recently Hardee’s, the beacon of the organic health food market, introduced two brilliant menu items. The first: The Country Breakfast Burrito. Made with two omelets, five hashrounds, bacon, sausage, ham, shredded cheddar, covered in sausage gravy and wrapped in a flour tortilla. Weighing in at 920 calories, 500mg cholesterol and 1970mg of sodium, this salt bomb will keep those electrolytes up, way up. Feel free to skip the Gatorade.
OK, that was breakfast, now for lunch. Enter, The Monster Thick Burger. TWO third pound Beef Patties, three slices of American cheese, four strips of Bacon, and Mayo served on a Buttered Bun. Yeah, buttered. This bad boy hits the scales at 1410 calories, a mere 229mg cholesterol (hey, that’s less than half the cholesterol of breakfast), and a mind numbing 2740mg of sodium. I’d say you still have no need to look into salt replacement yet.
With a breakfast and lunch like that, who needs dinner? At 2330 the average person has eaten their entire caloric intake for the day (based on a 2000 calorie/day diet) and then some. Furthermore, why stop there? Surely you’ll add a large Crispy Curls Fry, and a large Hand Scooped Shake! On second thought, maybe you should scratch the shake and go for the large Diet Coke. Wouldn’t want to be a pig, right?
At this rate, you should have no problem losing your fitness.

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