Cycling Phun Phake News: Slipsteam/Chipotle Edition

08-11-2007
Cycling Phun News
Team Slipstream-Chipotle announced their 2008 team today. The team consists of such Tour de France greats as Magnus Bäckstedt, Julian Dean, David Millar, Christian Vande Velde and Dave Zabriskie. With a crew like that they felt there would be no problem securing victory in the 2008 season, and went so far as to think of them as “The American Racing Team” since the fall of Discovery. There was, however, one excruciating fatal flaw. What Slipstream-Chipotle did NOT take into account was the simple fact that they are Slipstream-Chipotle, and because of that each rider gained an average of 42.6 pounds. What started out as a killer team has fallen prey to the fat bombs that are the Chipotle Burrito. They went from the top riders in the world, to the heaviest individuals to ever lock into a pedal. When asked how much each rider currently weighs, American team manager Jonathan Vaughters said, “While I won’t comment on individual weight, I will say that the five key riders weigh in at a svelte 998 pounds.” When asked if he thought that was too heavy he replied, “Not at all, I mean, c’mon… That’s, like, under, I mean… It’s… well… It’s not even a thousand. Right?” At which point he yelled, “look, everyone! It’s Lance Armstrong!” Pointed to the back of the room and disappeared from the stage. We are currently trying to track Vaughters down, but as of this morning he was not returning our phone calls.
We, at Cycling Phun, are also looking into a recent rumor of “Team Hardee’s”. The last rumor that we heard on them is that their official riding food is the Hardee’s Monster Burger, and Diet Lime Coke.